Lost Doggies by Los Doggies

"Lost Doggies" by Los Doggies, not to be confused with "Los Doggies" (2001) by Los Doggies, our first album. "Dos Doggies" (2002) was the sequel, and this is a kind of third one in a Godfather III sorta way. An album 20 years in the making that we stopped making 19 years ago. All of these lost songs were rescued from a scanned scrap of paper in an ancient email. A lot of them are about Nintendo. Some are offensive. Most are inappropriate. In keeping with the spirit of this zany trilogy of 18-song albums—"Los Doggies", "Dos Doggies", and now, "Lost Doggies"—we present these wrinkled old chestnuts in unadulterated form as a window into the past of the early aughts.

For the longest time, all we had was a list (JPG included in download) with about 30 or so unwritten songs of what was to be the third Los Doggies album, titled "Elizabeth." Then life got in the way. We formed a real band. We played open-mics cause we couldn't get shows. One local man complained that we weren't serious enough. There were rumors going around town that we were in fact "Quack-Rock." This was long before we had multiple songs about ducks.

So we made "Onebody" (2007) instead, our attempt at a quasi-serious record, which is arguably quackier than "Los & Dos." After a series of uber-serious follow-ups which only got seriouser and seriouser, and even somewhat dark and humorless, we just couldn't take it anymore and had to resurrect our long lost comedy album.

At 18 songs, it's a monster of an LP, but they're mostly minute-long songs, so it's only half an hour total, which is the perfect length. "Lost Doggies" is meant to be listened to as a whole, with little space left between tracks, so you can't tell which song is which.

It begins with the anthemic "We're the Los Doggies," an obvious rip-off of Halen's "Hot for Teacher."

"Start Me Up" is another parody. Like imagine: the Rolling Stones song from those Apple commercials actually sounded like this. It's also good for aerobics.

"Nuns on the Run" is lifted straight from the eponymous '80s movie with Eric Idle. The original score practically begs to be sung in this manner.

"Firequacker" features NPC quotes from the NES game "Ducktales 2." At least, we thought they were actual quotes, but it turns out we made the whole thing up.

"The Tits" is an outdated idiom that almost nobody said (save a few kids from Long Island) and certainly nobody ever sang.

"We Did It" is a throwback acoustic ditty to the "Los & Dos" era with a bunch of nonsense lyrics that no 21st-century listener should read into too deeply.

The Nintendo Trilogy (Tracks 7–9) starts with "Nintendo," a hook from an old commercial for a NES-themed cereal. Yes, we had that. We ate Nintendos.

"Select Start" has the famous Konami code from "Contra" and perhaps the most elegant extended bars of silence since John Cage.

Now that Luigi has become a meme, the time is right for "The Ballad of Luigi," an evolution of an old song, or perhaps the original song itself. I can't remember. The younger (taller) Mario brother finally gets his due.

Los returns to the wonderful world of hip-hop with "Yo! What Up?" If you ever need to check yourself, this is the way.

The Celtic-infused, "Higgeldy-Wiggeldy," contains a number of reduplicative rhyming words, which are the best kind of words.

What '80s child doesn't remember the trauma of seeing Artax drown in the Swamps of Sadness? The NeverEnding Story's Falco and Atreyu sing a handsome duet in "Atreyu."

Written by children for children. "Los Doggies 1-2-3" begins the third act of the album.

Ante up the nerdcore. "Parking Lot" is another song that shouldn't be listened too closely and definitely not with 21st-century ears. We included it anyway, just to make the booty smile ;)

Weird Al do that; we do that. Not as successfully though. "Tadpole" probably should've had the line "Tadpole SWIMMING in the winter of our discontent," but that's far too advanced for deez parodies.

"Hasn't Come Out Yet" is a tribute to Long Island gaming culture in the '80s. Close your eyes and remember the party arcade, the lawnmower/game rental store, the comic shop with a queue at the coin-op and game-paks velcroed to the wall. You can just about smell it.

When you're sitting around watching "Predator 2" as much as we did, most people, even Shakespearean monkeys, will inevitably write a reggae tune exactly like "King Willie."

Closing out the album, "You Gotta Have a Dick" is one of those classic girl-boy tradeoff songs, albeit a bit more profane than the traditional Bublé ballad. Sloth has the choruses, just in case you were taking anything too seriously.

And that's "Elizabeth," which is now suitably titled "Lost Doggies," a nod to anyone who misread our flyers over the years. It's not a great name, but it's the best name. Thanks for listening whosoever you are. I love you. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!

Los Doggies was formed in the late '90s by the Stormo brothers while writing jingles for their answering machine.

losdoggies.com
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