Radiant Hope by Luster Dawn

Part 1: Discord
It's Springtime again, though barely
Spring and autumn physically vanished
Change in climate dynamic leaves only extremes
The smokestack eradicates life and sense and time
Yet the Spring construct remains, social-temporal
It's my least favorite time of the year
I am always at my most sick, stressed, and depressed
The year I read this to you is no exception
And when I read this there is no special effect
No echo, no distortion, no audio irritant
The pretense with which my prior work holds is absent here
When tasked with this writing
I simply wished to challenge myself
And bare a mere aspect of myself (thyself)
Ultimately many people who know me
Enigma, ghost, liar, creep, annoying hag
Likely don't love what they see
Though I'll leave it there, it's quite a drag
“You run such a tight ship”
Yet I can't even finish that commitment
I've been working on my debut masterpieces for years
Who knows if they'll see the light of day
Every idea, developed, but I procrastinate the setting-in-stone
Everyone else around me
Work so tirelessly
And you can feel the result
I don't want to overwork myself
But where does self-care end and self-sabotage begin?
Alas I need to do something
I need to complete something
If something lies incomplete, I obsess
My brain heats to a boil
My guts wriggle and squirm
If I can't complete one thing
Something else must take it's place
Or else the airways tighten and fingernails darken
I just know something bad will happen
I just know something bad will happen
I can't stop thinking about it again and again
I just know I will do something bad
And it'll be all my fault that I am hurt
Please don't ask me how
Please don't ask me now

Part 2: Breathing Exercises
It's Springtime again, I hate how hot it gets here
O, Sacramento, 30-40-C temp that never goes down
O, Sacramento, ninety-percent something plaza town
No-housing town, all-commercial, all-American town
No job in months, despite fountains of opportunity
No means of organizing when there is no community
Tattered clothes, decayed roads, yellowed grass, emptied homes
Traffic hustle-bustle, common roadkill
Train horns lead to better and worse
Friend group meetups in endless parking lot mazes
I don’t really go outside much, not this time of year
This is where you pass by, not where you stay
This is where you end up, not where you lay
Cosmic joke to live here, O, Sacramento
Yet finally I can leave and let go
Thus why does my hand grasp so
His claws on the kitchen tile, click-clack, click-clack
Been hearing it less and less
He lays in his floor-bed behind me
Sound sleeper, until the inevitable yelps
The most loyal friend is ready to go
But my arms wrap around him tightly
Lick my face, man, tell me a joke
I changed so much in our 11 years, yet love never faltered
Chase my childhood away for so long
I was all-ready to be a grown-up
But now the only reminder left of it
After all I’ve left behind or changed
I simply can’t schedule the date of departure
Pawprints (hoofprints) in Fort Bragg sand wash away
But at least I got some good pictures along the way
God, I used to be so good with change
But now I just want to pause and escape
Family’s screaming again, embarrassing
Land of friendship make-believe, rescue me
Inside my damned computer screen
At least a few friends still love me
At least my mom still loves me
At least my wife still loves me
Wax philosophical on art to all who listen
Hopefully where I go next has an audience
When asked why Minnesota
I have many answers
At least the Springtime is cooler there
And there is still a homeyness
Maybe I can organize, but who knows
What is the difference between Sacramento and America?
Maybe I’ll be alone, paranoid door locker
Trans people better off there, but no guarantee
Found on the side of the road
Found at the shore of Superior
Another Jane Doe, or hell maybe John
Maybe all I want from this, all I really want
All I want is to be cold
All I want is to be cold
All I want is to be cold

she/her

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