EPizza by King Sacha

Every pizza story has two sides (based on a true story that happened to somebody somewhere, probably)

Once upon a time, I was home alone and had a craving. A craving for the most perfect, fattest and decadent pizza I could imagine. So living in this modern-day and age, I indulged in my craving and ordered a pizza. On this pizza, I put every topping that I could think of to make the very best pizza there`s ever been made. All I had to do now, was practice my patience and wait. Soon after my order the doorbell rang and full of excitement I ran to the door. I paid and tipped the good lifesaving superhero dude who brought me this present of modern and swift satisfaction of my craving. Full of joy I opened the pizza box, only to be utterly disappointed.
Nothing but a dull base with no topping?! Not even a fucking piece of cheese or a drop of tomato sauce! Just a pizza base...How could somebody do this to me? How could anybody just make a pizza base and send it out with a good conscience, knowing full and well that nobody will just eat a pizza base. This is pure insanity, stupidity; oh you evil people: “How could they do this to me?” I had to act. I could not be a mere victim and let this injustice go by unpunished.
I choose my words very carefully and wrote to the pizza service: “WTF Are you out of your fucking mind you stupid motherfuckers! You fucked up my Pizza! I want my perfect pizza WITH topping! How could you let this happen? What kind of idiot works there and makes pizza with no topping?! What kind of organization could accept this and how the fuck do you expect to make it up to me?”
They swiftly and accurately replied to my message with the basic customer control tactics which one could expect. Send us your order number and we will see what we can do for you bla bla bla.
Still, with an empty stomach, I felt satisfied. I had done my part in saving the world from this kind of horrible injustice.
Laying on my couch Hurricanebraining around, my anger slowly vanished and my mind started working again. I started to reflect and contemplate. What is my part in this, did I react correctly, was I right to expect anything else from this world than to be disappointed? How to avoid death by starvation? Are there other perspectives that I could explore to resolve my predicament? Then, as an alcoholic would call a moment of clarity appeared and all my problems dissolved as a pizza in front of a hungry stoner.
With my tail between my legs, I replied to the pizza service: “Sorry, was super stoned and opened the pizza box upside down.”
As you listen to this EPizza and think its total dog shit, I challenge you to look at it from another side. If you still feel the same way, even if you tried listening to it upside down only wearing a belt while smearing pesto on your knees or with tomatoes in your ears while balancing a bicycle on your toes. I have included a complaint form in this booklet and on the website kingsacha.pizza. I advise you to fill it out and send it in so I can improve my service to you.
With admiration, adoration, fascination, health, strength and love,

King Sacha

Ps, you won`t get your money back, I need it and by the time you`re reading this your money will be long gone.

kingsacha.org